I was dithering over how to start a comprehensive study of the bible and never really got started. Today, while I was waiting for a counselling client who never turned up, I made use of the one hour to read the bible, following the "read through your bible in one year" programme at the back of my NKJV slimline bible. I read Genesis 1,2 and 3 as well as Matthew 1.
Genesis 2:2-3
2 And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. 3 Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.
The verses above got me thinking about the Sabbath and how important it was for me to observe it. God not only rested on that day but He also blessed and sanctified it. Thus, when I observe my own Sabbath, I am also acknowledging God's blessing on and sanctification of that day.
This is a very timely reminder to me to always find one day a week to rest and wait on the Lord so that I will be refreshed, not only physically but also spiritually.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Spring and Fall: to a young child
I caught a Ted webcast of Natalie Merchant's performance to promote her new album, her first album after six to seven years. It was well worth the wait, if the 27-minute webcast was any indicator. Her album was very different from her previous albums; in this new album, she set other people's poetry to music.
One of the poems that she sang in the Ted webcast moved me a lot. It was a poem by a Jesuit priest Gerard Manley Hopkins, who had written it to explain death to a young child. Natalie Merchant sings the song in the 16th minute of the Ted webcast. I found myself listening to it over and over again.
Indeed, how music and words move the heart.
Spring and Fall: to a young child
Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-1889)
MÁRGARÉT, áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves, líke the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Áh! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you wíll weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrows spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-1889)
MÁRGARÉT, áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves, líke the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Áh! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you wíll weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrows spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
Claiming our blessedness
Let me offer you two ways for claiming our blessedness with God.
First of all, prayer. When I go to a quiet place to pray, I realise that although I have a tendency to say many things to God, the real "work" of prayer is to become silent and listen to the voice that says good things about me. If we dare to embrace our solitude and befriend our silence, we will come to know that voice. The movement of God's Spirit is very gentle, very soft but that movement is also very persistent, strong and deep. It changes our hearts radically.
The second is the cultivation of presence. By presence I mean attentiveness to the blessings that come to you day after day, year after year. The problem of modern living is that we are too busy to notice that we are being blessed. Often, people say good things about us, but we brush them aside with remarks such as "Oh, don't mention it, forget about it, it's nothing..." and so on. These remarks may seem to be expressions of humility, but they are, in fact, signs that we are not truly present to receive the blessings that are given. It is not easy for us, busy people, to truly receive a blessing. It has become increasingly difficult for us to stop, listen, pay attention and receive gracefully what is offered to us.
The characteristic of the blessed ones is that wherever they go, they speak words of blessing. It is remarkable how easy it is to bless others, to speak good things to and about them, to call forth their beauty and truth, when you yourself are in touch with your own blessedness.
The blessed one always blesses and people want to be blessed. It is so apparent wherever you go. No one is brought to life through curses, gossip, accusations, or blaming. There is so much of that taking place around us all the time. And it calls forth only darkness, destruction and death.
First of all, prayer. When I go to a quiet place to pray, I realise that although I have a tendency to say many things to God, the real "work" of prayer is to become silent and listen to the voice that says good things about me. If we dare to embrace our solitude and befriend our silence, we will come to know that voice. The movement of God's Spirit is very gentle, very soft but that movement is also very persistent, strong and deep. It changes our hearts radically.
The second is the cultivation of presence. By presence I mean attentiveness to the blessings that come to you day after day, year after year. The problem of modern living is that we are too busy to notice that we are being blessed. Often, people say good things about us, but we brush them aside with remarks such as "Oh, don't mention it, forget about it, it's nothing..." and so on. These remarks may seem to be expressions of humility, but they are, in fact, signs that we are not truly present to receive the blessings that are given. It is not easy for us, busy people, to truly receive a blessing. It has become increasingly difficult for us to stop, listen, pay attention and receive gracefully what is offered to us.
The characteristic of the blessed ones is that wherever they go, they speak words of blessing. It is remarkable how easy it is to bless others, to speak good things to and about them, to call forth their beauty and truth, when you yourself are in touch with your own blessedness.
The blessed one always blesses and people want to be blessed. It is so apparent wherever you go. No one is brought to life through curses, gossip, accusations, or blaming. There is so much of that taking place around us all the time. And it calls forth only darkness, destruction and death.
Excerpts from Life of the Beloved by Henri J.M.Nouwen
Claiming the light
I recently discovered a box of books that I had bought some time ago from Amazon under my bed. Among them were three books - The Return of the Prodigal Son, Life of the Beloved and The Only Necessary Thing - written by Catholic priest Henri Nouwen.
I am reading them now and am very edified by his words. I consider it a tremendous privilege to read in another person's words his own struggles for things of the world juxtaposed with his longing for God and his intimacy with God.
God has a purpose in me reading these books now at this stage of my Christian journey. I pray that I will draw from the books whatever God intends for me to learn, and apply those principles in wisdom, discernment, grace and above all, love.
Excerpts from the book Life of the Beloved:
"Speak to us about the deepest yearning of our hearts, about our many wishes, about hope; not about the many strategies for survival, but about trust; not about the new methods of satisfying our emotional needs, but about love. Speak to us about a vision larger than our changing perspectives and about a voice deeper than the clamourings of our mass media. Yes, speak to us about something or someone greater than ourselves. Speak to us about....God."
Gratitude is the most fruitful way of deepening your consciousness that you are not an "accident" but a divine choice. Where there is reason for gratitude, there can always be a reason for bitterness. It is here that we are faced with the freedom to make a decision. We can decide to be grateful or to be bitter. When we keep choosing gratitude, when we keep claiming the light, we will find ourselves becoming more and more radiant. What fascinates me so much is that every time we decide to be grateful it will be easier to see new things to be grateful for.
Gratitude begets gratitude, just as love begets love.
One day we feel great, the next we feel miserable. One day we are full of new ideas, the next everything looks bleak and dull. One day we think we can take on the whole world, but the next even a little request seems too much for us.
When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.
God has a purpose in me reading these books now at this stage of my Christian journey. I pray that I will draw from the books whatever God intends for me to learn, and apply those principles in wisdom, discernment, grace and above all, love.
Excerpts from the book Life of the Beloved:
"Speak to us about the deepest yearning of our hearts, about our many wishes, about hope; not about the many strategies for survival, but about trust; not about the new methods of satisfying our emotional needs, but about love. Speak to us about a vision larger than our changing perspectives and about a voice deeper than the clamourings of our mass media. Yes, speak to us about something or someone greater than ourselves. Speak to us about....God."
Gratitude is the most fruitful way of deepening your consciousness that you are not an "accident" but a divine choice. Where there is reason for gratitude, there can always be a reason for bitterness. It is here that we are faced with the freedom to make a decision. We can decide to be grateful or to be bitter. When we keep choosing gratitude, when we keep claiming the light, we will find ourselves becoming more and more radiant. What fascinates me so much is that every time we decide to be grateful it will be easier to see new things to be grateful for.
Gratitude begets gratitude, just as love begets love.
One day we feel great, the next we feel miserable. One day we are full of new ideas, the next everything looks bleak and dull. One day we think we can take on the whole world, but the next even a little request seems too much for us.
When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman
Dr. John Gottman has researched long-term marriages that work for over 20 years. His research methods have been both unique and thorough as he collected data from the marital subjects by interviews and videotaped daily interaction. His team of researchers also measured heart rate, blood flow, sweat output, blood pressure, and immune function moment by moment. As a result Dr. Gottman states that he is able to predict divorce with 91% accuracy. The prediction is largely based on the presence of what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the couple interactions. They are:
* Criticism - Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior.
* Defensiveness - High tension and lack of listening when discussing.
* Contempt - Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner.
* Stonewalling - Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate, especially about areas of conflict.
Dr. Gottman found two other important hallmarks of a long lasting healthy marriage.
* 5 positives to 1 negative
* The presence of marital conflict that gets resolved.
The seven principles are outlined below and can be read about in more detail in Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.
1. Know each other. Learn all about each other’s likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, etc.
2. Focus on each other’s positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other.
3. Interact frequently, tell each other about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways.
4. “Let your partner influence you.” Translation: share power.
5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Translation: Communicate respectfully, use “I” statements, criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, and compromise. Gottman asserts that in both happy and unhappy marriages, more than 80% of the time the wife brings up marital conflicts while the husband tries to avoid discussing them.
6. “Overcome gridlock.” Translation: understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict.
7. “Create shared meaning.” Translation: share values, attitudes, interests, traditions.
In summary, a couple has to actively cultivate an atmosphere of positivism and support while using conflict resolution and repair attempts to keep resentment out of the relationship.
* Criticism - Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior.
* Defensiveness - High tension and lack of listening when discussing.
* Contempt - Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner.
* Stonewalling - Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate, especially about areas of conflict.
Dr. Gottman found two other important hallmarks of a long lasting healthy marriage.
* 5 positives to 1 negative
* The presence of marital conflict that gets resolved.
The seven principles are outlined below and can be read about in more detail in Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.
1. Know each other. Learn all about each other’s likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, etc.
2. Focus on each other’s positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other.
3. Interact frequently, tell each other about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways.
4. “Let your partner influence you.” Translation: share power.
5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Translation: Communicate respectfully, use “I” statements, criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, and compromise. Gottman asserts that in both happy and unhappy marriages, more than 80% of the time the wife brings up marital conflicts while the husband tries to avoid discussing them.
6. “Overcome gridlock.” Translation: understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict.
7. “Create shared meaning.” Translation: share values, attitudes, interests, traditions.
In summary, a couple has to actively cultivate an atmosphere of positivism and support while using conflict resolution and repair attempts to keep resentment out of the relationship.
The Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse - Grant Langston
Stop to consider your last fight with your spouse. The exact subject may escape you at the moment. We understand. After a while, the spats - over bills, your job, in-laws or the dishes still in the sink - can all blur together. But contrary to popular belief, it's not the amount of conflict in your marriage or what you argue about that determines your relationship's survival rate. to marriage researchers, how a couple fights tends to be the best predicator of whether they'll end up enjoying their golden years together or battling it out in divorce court. So learning to fight less may not be quite as important as learning to fight fair.
Four Deadly Sins of Marriage
Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied "love lab," Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage. He ominously refers to them as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Every couple needs to be vigilant and ensure none of the four gallop into their marriage and wreak irreversible havoc.
Horseman #1: Criticism
The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together - day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.
Note that criticism differs from complaining. Criticism focuses on the person. Complaining focuses on the behavior. This may seem like subtle nuance but research shows it is a distinction that makes a significant difference in the long term. For example, this is a critical statement: "You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction." These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack.
Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person's behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an "I" instead of "you": "I get so frustrated when you are driving and don't know where you are going." See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though "I" statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage manageable during explosive moments.
Horseman #2: Contempt
You're an idiot. You can't do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Period.
Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn't put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.
Four Deadly Sins of Marriage
Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied "love lab," Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage. He ominously refers to them as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Every couple needs to be vigilant and ensure none of the four gallop into their marriage and wreak irreversible havoc.
Horseman #1: Criticism
The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together - day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.
Note that criticism differs from complaining. Criticism focuses on the person. Complaining focuses on the behavior. This may seem like subtle nuance but research shows it is a distinction that makes a significant difference in the long term. For example, this is a critical statement: "You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction." These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack.
Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person's behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an "I" instead of "you": "I get so frustrated when you are driving and don't know where you are going." See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though "I" statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage manageable during explosive moments.
Horseman #2: Contempt
You're an idiot. You can't do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Period.
Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn't put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.
As understandable as this response can be, it is still hugely destructive. It builds walls. Rather than allow room for connectedness, the foundation for conflict resolution, it tends to breed emotional distance. Defensiveness blocks healing and forgiveness.
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Because stonewalling is not explicitly aggressive, couples often underestimate its destructive potential. But it can be just as devastating to a relationship in its passiveness. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution.
Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners.
The Secret to Fighting Fair
Now that you know the four horsemen, make a conscious effort to keep them in the stable before they trample your marriage. One of the best ways to do this is to make "repair attempts" during your next argument. According to Gottman, repair attempts are any words or actions that prevent a conflict from escalating out of control. As simple as it sounds, repair attempts keep a marriage from becoming negative, hostile and distant.
Repair attempts can be as basic as changing the topic, giving a compliment, apologizing or saying, "I've been cranky all day, can we start over?" It can be as simple as saying, "Don't worry, we'll get through this" or cracking a joke to diffuse tension. Research even shows couples who touch during arguments also tend to show higher relationship satisfaction. Do whatever works for you when conflict rears its ugly head.
Remember, the more entrenched the negative patterns of behavior in your marriage become, the more difficult it becomes to break them. Don't become a victim of these negative cycles. When two mature people can take ownership and be flexible, they will keep their marriage strong even though they may not always agree. As a Scottish proverb says, "Better bend than break."
My comments: As I was reading this article, the verses in Ephesians 5:22-33 came to mind.
Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.a
28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30because we are members of his body.
31“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Monday, April 12, 2010
A life-changing moment.
I went to hospital yesterday morning to pray for a friend's mom who's dying of nose cancer. I had to put on a mask, put antibacterial foam on my hands before entering the ICU room. My friend's mum reached for my hand and I held hers and started to pray for her while trying very hard not to cry. Later that same night, I received an sms from the friend saying that her mom had died.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
How the blind can lead the blind indefinitely
Excerpt from the book The Science of Fear:
The confirmation bias
Once we have formed a view, we embrace information that supports that view while ignoring, rejecting, or harshly scrutinising information that casts doubt on it.Once a belief is established, our brains will seek to confirm it. Seeking to confirm our beliefs comes naturally, while it feels strange and counterintuitive to look for evidence that contradicts our beliefs.
In one of the earliest studies on confirmation bias, psychologist Peter Wason showed people a sequence of three numbers - 2,4,6 - and told them the sequence followed a certain rule. The participants were asked to figure out what that rule was. They could do so by writing down three more numbers and asking if they were in line with the rule. Once you think you've figured out the rule, the researchers instructed, say so and we will see if you're right.
It seems so obvious that the rule that the numbers are following is "even numbers increasing by two". So let's say you're taking the test. Obviously, your first step would be to ask: "What about 8,10,12? Does that follow the rule?" And you would be told, yes, that follows the rule. Now you are really suspicious. This is far too easy. So you decide to try another set of numbers. Does "14,16,18" follow the rule? It does.
At this point, you want to shout out the answer - the rule is even numbers increasing by two - but you know there's got to be a trick here. So you decide to ask about another three numbers - 20,22, 24. Right, again!
Most people who take the test follow exactly this pattern. Every time they guess, they are told they are right and so, it seems, the evidence that they are right piles up. Naturally, they become convinced that their initial belief is correct. Just look at all the evidence! And so they stop the test and announce that they have the answer: It is "even numbers increasing by two".
And they are told that they are wrong. That is not the rule. The correct rule is actually "any three numbers in ascending order".
The confirmation bias
Once we have formed a view, we embrace information that supports that view while ignoring, rejecting, or harshly scrutinising information that casts doubt on it.Once a belief is established, our brains will seek to confirm it. Seeking to confirm our beliefs comes naturally, while it feels strange and counterintuitive to look for evidence that contradicts our beliefs.
In one of the earliest studies on confirmation bias, psychologist Peter Wason showed people a sequence of three numbers - 2,4,6 - and told them the sequence followed a certain rule. The participants were asked to figure out what that rule was. They could do so by writing down three more numbers and asking if they were in line with the rule. Once you think you've figured out the rule, the researchers instructed, say so and we will see if you're right.
It seems so obvious that the rule that the numbers are following is "even numbers increasing by two". So let's say you're taking the test. Obviously, your first step would be to ask: "What about 8,10,12? Does that follow the rule?" And you would be told, yes, that follows the rule. Now you are really suspicious. This is far too easy. So you decide to try another set of numbers. Does "14,16,18" follow the rule? It does.
At this point, you want to shout out the answer - the rule is even numbers increasing by two - but you know there's got to be a trick here. So you decide to ask about another three numbers - 20,22, 24. Right, again!
Most people who take the test follow exactly this pattern. Every time they guess, they are told they are right and so, it seems, the evidence that they are right piles up. Naturally, they become convinced that their initial belief is correct. Just look at all the evidence! And so they stop the test and announce that they have the answer: It is "even numbers increasing by two".
And they are told that they are wrong. That is not the rule. The correct rule is actually "any three numbers in ascending order".
Friday, April 2, 2010
Easter greetings
Through the cross,
we are redeemed and forgiven;
Through the resurrection,
we are given life and hope;
Through Jesus Christ,
we are heirs to eternal life.
John 11:25-26 (NKJV)
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I felt I had to impress on her about God's love and God's eternal presence with us. I prayed for healing, peace and comfort and for strength for her and her family.
After my prayer, she kept saying she wanted to move forward - and we couldn't understand what she meant. Well, she's definitely in a better place now, Amen.
For myself, I don't think it will be the last time that I will be praying for people in such difficult times so I guess there's always a first time.
Will probably write a long piece about it in my prayer journal as a form of closure, I guess.
Still, at such times like this, 99% of whatever I consider important in my life recedes and I am left with God and God alone. That is life-changing.