The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman

Dr. John Gottman has researched long-term marriages that work for over 20 years. His research methods have been both unique and thorough as he collected data from the marital subjects by interviews and videotaped daily interaction. His team of researchers also measured heart rate, blood flow, sweat output, blood pressure, and immune function moment by moment. As a result Dr. Gottman states that he is able to predict divorce with 91% accuracy. The prediction is largely based on the presence of what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the couple interactions. They are:

* Criticism - Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior.
* Defensiveness - High tension and lack of listening when discussing.
* Contempt - Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner.
* Stonewalling - Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate, especially about areas of conflict.


Dr. Gottman found two other important hallmarks of a long lasting healthy marriage.

* 5 positives to 1 negative
* The presence of marital conflict that gets resolved.

The seven principles are outlined below and can be read about in more detail in Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.

1. Know each other. Learn all about each other’s likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, etc.

2. Focus on each other’s positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other.

3. Interact frequently, tell each other about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways.

4. “Let your partner influence you.” Translation: share power.

5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Translation: Communicate respectfully, use “I” statements, criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, and compromise. Gottman asserts that in both happy and unhappy marriages, more than 80% of the time the wife brings up marital conflicts while the husband tries to avoid discussing them.

6. “Overcome gridlock.” Translation: understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict.

7. “Create shared meaning.” Translation: share values, attitudes, interests, traditions.

In summary, a couple has to actively cultivate an atmosphere of positivism and support while using conflict resolution and repair attempts to keep resentment out of the relationship.