A life well-lived

Written: 28 September 2015

My grandma died two Thursdays ago. All of us, except for my two cousins in the US, managed to spend some time with her during her short stay at the Ng Teng Fong Hospital before she died. Even my uncle living in JB. For this, I am very thankful to God.

 

I was happy to be able to play some Chinese hymns close to her ears as well as recite Psalm 23 in Chinese to her and Psalm 91 in English to her during one of the nights.

 

All of us got a chance to say our last words to her. The main message to her was "thank you for loving us", "thank you for taking care of some of us while we were young", "we are all well and to ask her to rest secure in that assurance and knowledge" and "do not be afraid because Jesus will be with you now and for eternity".

 

At her wake, we saw many familiar faces from our childhood. The uncle whom my grandma treated like her own son and who had visited my grandma when she was still at home. I remembered him as the uncle who played the piano and the one who singed his eyebrows and burnt his IC while he was frying something in the wok in his kitchen.

 

Another auntie whom I remember with much fondness, as with all her other sisters and my uncle, also came by to pay her last respects to my grandma with her younger sister. You cannot imagine my joy when I saw her after a lapse of almost 30 years. That family took such great care of me, my elder sister and my younger brother when we were very young. They took us everywhere with their then-boyfriends, now husbands of many years. They were so generous to us with their time, their money and their love. It was so wonderful catching up with her over a few hours at the wake. She is still the same, and her son, whom I last saw as a cute baby boy, is getting married at the end of this year. After she left the wake, she sent me two very significant photos - one of my uncle with her husband and one of the three of us with her and her husband. Most treasured.

 

The most significant one in that awesome family was my uncle (Andrea, your dad), who went back to Jesus too young. I still get teary-eyed whenever I think of him. He would bring the three of us back to his home every weekend. His grandmother would always prepare non-sugared barley water for us. My elder sister and my younger brother would do their homework while I practised my piano.

All those hours spent with them defined a major part of my childhood and I am so much better because of that. Their generosity formed my personality.

 

Many relatives and former neighbours from our old home at Belvedere Close also came for the wake. Quite a few of my friends came, too; those who couldn't sent their regards and condolences. We appreciated everyone’s care and concern. Thank you all.

 

At the two nightly services during the wake, both my cousins Andrea and Kaiqi delivered very moving eulogies of the grandma who had taken care of them while their mothers were out working, as did Andrea’s mother. I delivered an eulogy written by my cousin Jade who is in the US. I told myself to be composed even though I teared each time I practised saying it. Jade was my grandma's favourite grand-daughter. Her eulogy was very personal and touching. When the time came for me to deliver the eulogy, I was composed until this final part, and I became a slobbering mess. This was the part:

 

“This precious woman, who fed me when no one else would. This precious woman, who slept next to me holding my hand when no one cared. This precious woman, who showered me with love and tears and joy. This precious woman, who has been through much toil and pain. This precious woman, who fought throughout her life to be strong. And when I asked this precious woman, “Why do others have a dad but I don’t have one?” she replied, “I'll be your dad.”

 

This precious woman is my mother, my grandma, and my best friend.

 

I love you grandma.

 

I will always remember your goodness and grace towards me for as long as I live.

 

Ah Ma, you are being embraced by Jesus Christ now. I’ll be there, too, and in just a matter of time, we’ll meet again and I will not fail you. Our story doesn’t end here. It will continue in the presence of God. See you soon. Love you so much and thank you so much.”

 

On the day of the cremation, we took many photos and a few videos so that we could send them there and then to my two cousins, Jade and her brother Wakefield, who were both in the US. My elder sister and my grandma’s maid decorated the sides of my grandma’s casket with flowers. My cousin Kaiqi made a special one comprising four bouquets to be placed on top of the casket. After that was done, we proceeded to the Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium for the cremation service at 11.45am. My uncle, my grandma’s favourite son, also gave a touching testimony about her during the service. Those present at the service placed flowers inside the casket, with family members last in line. After the cremation ceremony, we went back to my uncle’s place and waited till 3.30pm before heading back to Mandai again so that we could place her cremated bones in an urn to be placed next to my grandfather’s one at the columbarium there.

 

My reflections:

 

- A life well lived is measured by the impact one has on one’s significant others and everyone else one comes across in one’s life.

 

- I thought I would have felt much sadder but I felt happy and joyful because I knew that my grandma was going home to Jesus, free of pain and suffering and the ravages of dementia.

 

- I felt closure when I saw her cremated bones because I have witnessed the cycle of a wonderful life in its fullness.

 

- Everyone you will ever meet in your life has someone else who cares and loves him/her, be that someone else a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a friend or a child.

 

- It is much harder to be kind than to be clever.

If you ever want to read a Japanese novel...

Written: 23 November 2015

Got to chatting about Japanese literature today and here’s a list of my fave Japanese novels (in no particular order - my evergreen No.1 is Kawabata):

 

+ Snow Country - Yasunari Kawabata

+ Thousand Cranes - Yasunari Kawabata

  + Palm of the hand stories - Yasunari Kawabata

  + Kokoro - Natsumi Soseki

  + Temple of the Golden Pavilion - Yukio Mishima

  + The Book of Tea - Okakura Kakuzo

  + Silence - Shusaku Endo

+ Shiokari Pass - Ayako Miura

  + Totto-chan: The Little Girl at the Window - Tetsuko Kuroyanagi

  + The Setting Sun - Osamu Dazai

  + A Personal Matter - Kenzaburo Oe

  + All She Was Worth - Miyuki Miyabe

  + Be With You - Takuji Ishikawa

 

PS: A Haruki Murakami fan, by the way.

- A Wild Sheep Chase

- Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World - Norwegian Wood (*)

- Dance Dance Dance

- South of the Border, West of the Sun

- The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (*)

- Sputnik Sweetheart - Kafka on the Shore (*)

- Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage (*)

* The ones I will re-read

Time heals many things

Written: 16 December 2015

Got into a cab headed towards YWCA for an 8pm session. I groaned inwardly as the cab driver asked me why I was headed there and started talking about God (atheist), evolution and the meaning of life. He then mentioned that he was 50, a divorcee and had three sons. This was a significant moment for him and for me. So I perked up and gave him my full attention.

 

He said that he was working in China (I forgot which city) for his ex- wife's uncle's company and that his ex-wife was based separately in Shanghai. They left their three sons in his mother's care in Singapore. They were married for close to 20 years. Then 12 years ago, his wife sent him divorce papers and said that she was seeing someone else. He agreed to a divorce on two conditions - he gets full ownership of their five-room flat at Redhill and full custody of their three sons. She agreed but asked that their divorce be backdated by four years because she wanted to remarry as soon as possible. He was fine with that.

 

He then sold the flat and moved into a three-room flat with his sons and his mother. He also quit his job overseas and came back to Singapore to work as a cab driver. He added that he had set aside money for his sons' education and when they got married in future. I gently told him that he has been providing for them on his own for so long as a single parent and he would naturally want to continue that but his sons can also independently fend for themselves once they start working. He said that his ex-wife keeps in contact with his sons and that he always tells his sons to ask his ex-wife to buy expensive things like mobile phones.

 

I asked him whether he felt sad when his wife wanted to divorce him. He said that he was very sad but it has been 12 years and that time heals a lot of things. He has had a few girlfriends since then but they didn’t last because his focus was on his three sons and his mother.

 

All too soon, the cab turned into YWCA. As I paid the fare, he wistfully told me that sometimes the desire to work overseas and earn more money may cost one more than one thinks. I looked at him and thanked him for sharing so much about his life. I then told him that time does heal many things. He has moved on and has a lot to look forward to, especially his three sons who should be appreciative of everything he has done for them so far.

People reveal the most life-changing piece of advice they’ve ever received

Written: 5 January 2016

1. "Be afraid! And then do it anyway!"

 

2. "Everybody is looking for the right person, and nobody is trying to be the right person."

 

3. You're never too old to start something new.

 

4. "You have your whole life to freak out about [something]."

 

5. "It's only embarrassing if you're embarrassed."

 

6. "I'm not confined to my wheelchair — I am liberated by it."

 

7. Don't be mean to your dog.

 

8. "We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions."

 

9. "If you think you know something, find someone who disagrees and listen to them."

 

10. The human body is amazing.

 

11. "Next year, you'll wish you had started today."

 

12. "Do it to do it, not to have done it."

 

13. Not everything is a catastrophe.

 

14. "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."

 

15. It's all about perspective, so enjoy your life.

 

There’s an interesting story behind every advice. Read them here at http://www.techinsider.io/life-chan...

The Farmer's Three Wishes

Written: 12 January 2016

The Farmer's Three Wishes - An ancient Jewish parable:

 

One night a poor farmer was awakened by an angel of the Lord who said: "You've found favor in the eyes of your Maker. He wants to do for you what he did for your ancestor Abraham. He wants to bless you.

 

Therefore, make any three requests of God, and he will be pleased to give them to you. There's only one condition: your neighbor will get a double portion of everything that is given to you."

The farmer was so startled by all this that he woke up his wife and told her all about it. She insisted they put it to the test.

 

So they prayed, "Oh, blessed God, if we could just have a herd of a thousand cattle, that would enable us to break out of the poverty in which we've lived for generations. That would be wonderful."

No sooner had they said these words than they heard the sound of animal noises outside. Lo and behold, all around the house were a thousand magnificent cattle!

 

During the next two days, the farmer's feet hardly touched the ground. He divided his time between praising God for his great generosity and making practical provisions for his newly found affluence.

 

On the third afternoon he was up on a hill behind his house, trying to decide where to build a new barn when, for the first time, he looked across at his neighbor's field, and there on the green hillside stood two thousand magnificent cattle.

 

For the first time since the angel of the Lord had appeared, his joy evaporated and a scowl of envy took its place.

 

He went home that evening in a foul mood, refused to eat supper, and went to bed in an absolute rage. He couldn't fall asleep, because every time he closed his eyes, all he could see were his neighbor's two thousand head of cattle.

 

Deep in the night, however, he remembered that the angel had said he could make three wishes. With that he shifted his focus away from his neighbor and back to his own situation, and the old joy quickly returned.

 

Digging into his own heart to find out what else he really wanted, he began to realize that in addition to some kind of material security, he had always wanted descendants to carry on his name into history.

 

So he prayed a second time saying, "Gracious God, if it please thee, give me a child that I may have descendants." It wasn't long before his wife came to him with the news that she was bearing in her body a life not her own.

 

The next months were passed in unbroken joy. The farmer was busy with his newly acquired affluence and looking forward to the great grace of becoming a parent. On the night his first child was born, he was absolutely overjoyed.

 

The next day was the Sabbath. He went to the synagogue and at the time of the prayers of the people, he stood up and shared with the gathered community his great good fortune: now at last a child had been born into their home!

 

He had hardly sat down, however, when his neighbor got up. "God has indeed been gracious to our little community. I had twin sons born last night. Thanks be to God."

 

On hearing that, the farmer went home in an utterly different mood from the one in which he came. Instead of being joyful, he was filled with the canker of jealousy.

 

This time, the dark emotions didn't go away. Late that evening, he made his third request of God, which was, "Lord, please gouge out my right eye."

 

No sooner had he said these words than the angel who started the whole process came again. "Why, son of Abraham, have your turned to such dark desirings?"

 

With pent-up rage, the farmer replied, "I can't stand to see my neighbor prosper! I'll gladly sacrifice half my vision for the satisfaction of knowing that he'll never be able to look on what he has because he'll have both eyes gouged out."

 

Those words were followed by a long silence, and as the farmer looked, he saw tears forming in the eyes of the angel. "Why, O son of Abraham, have you turned the occasion to bless into a time of hurting?

 

Your third request won't be granted, not because the Lord lacks integrity, but because he is full of mercy. However, know this, O foolish one..you've brought sadness..not only to yourself, but to the very heart of God."

Source: http://www.sermoncentral.com/illust...

Humour me

Written: 7 March 2016

 

Watched Margaret Cho's Psycho tour on Saturday night. Had mixed feelings about the 75-minute comedy act. We went there because we thought she was a famous stand-up comedian like Seinfeld (ROFL).

 

First, I want to say that she is a genius and a true-blue professional. She had obviously read up on recent big news in Singapore. Her initial barbs were directed at Lawrence Khong, with references to China Wine and City Harvest as well. Also, there were quite a lot of jibes at God, Jesus, Catholics and Christians (she used to be a Sunday school teacher). What impressed me was her use of "merlion" as a reference to throwing up.

 

A significant portion of her show were graphic and crude jokes about sex. She was open about her bisexuality. She also exposed her heavily tattooed tummy and butt. I was most uncomfortable with all that plus I didn't understand some of her jokes and references.

 

Her political commentary was excellent. Trump drew most of her fire. She also made jokes about herself, her mom and her dad and what it was like to grow up as a Korean American. Her Korean name is Mo-ran, which means peony (牡丹) in Chinese.

 

One of the most significant parts of her show for me was her telling us that she is a victim of sexual abuse. She was sexually abused by her uncle between the ages of 5 and 12. This uncle is still quite close to her extended family even now.

 

Her tattooing of almost her entire body began after that and she also became a phone sex operator at the age of 15. She also said that she is bulimic.*

 

This, for me, is among the horrendous consequences of being sexually abused at a young age. The emotional and physical scars do not go away so easily. One is too young to know that it is not right. One is too scared to tell others. And oftentimes, the perpetrator is someone known to the family, which is how the perpetrator is able to gain easy access to the kid.

 

A kid is among the most vulnerable of humans. It is an extremely sore point with me that certain perpetrators have been protected within the confines of institutions dedicated to the service of God, as the movie Spotlight has shown. Sexual abuse of minors is criminal. Perpetrators should be brought to justice. God is clear about justice. If we do not act to protect our young, what hope can we have for the future?

 

* Several studies have shown that those at high risk of eating disorders because of trauma include victims of sexual abuse, especially those who suffered at a younger age.

 

P.S. I have overstretched my line in the sand this time. While Cho is top-notch, I think a number of topics are too offensive and risque for me. Would I catch such similar-themed acts again in future? No.