Turning up

It was 2am on Tuesday. I had just finished work and was still in the office. I was exhausted and was not keen to attend the wake of a friend's father. I wanted to just take the office transport home. But I recalled another friend smsing me earlier, saying that the cremation was on that very afternoon and asking me to go down to the wake if I could make it.

I decided to sms a friend to ask her if I should go. She advised me to sms my friend and check with him whether he was at the wake and whether it was okay for me to go during that time. So that's what I did. He replied to say that he was still around at the wake, and thanked me for coming. So I took a cab and reached the wake around 2.30am.

I seldom attend wakes, so I felt very awkward when I saw him. I greeted him and shook his hand. He thanked me for coming and brought me to a table where some of his friends were seated. To my relief, there was someone at the table whom I knew and I was very happy to see him.

After putting my bag down, my friend accompanied me to pay my respects to his dad. I couldn't light any joss-sticks. He was very understanding, and asked me to simply say a prayer for his dad. I thought my prayer was too brief, but I prayed with all my heart that God would have mercy on his dad's soul. After that, I followed my friend back to the table.

I think he was very touched that I had turned up because he kept saying that I look so tired and it was very nice of me to turn up after my long day at work. I asked him how he was coping and he said he had been sleeping for only 3 to 4 hours a day since the wake began.

His dad had died in Indonesia and so he and his brother had to fly over to make the arrangements for the body to be brought back to Singapore. He said his dad did something strange before he left for Indonesia with his step-mother to visit her relatives. His dad called his sister in Brunei and told her to take care of herself. The thing is that before this phone call, his dad had never called his sister in Brunei. So perhaps his dad had some inkling that this would be his last trip abroad.

When his dad died, his step-mother had called his home but no one picked up the phone. So she called a neighbour, who then rang his sister's home. One of his nephews picked up the phone and then calmly told his mother that something bad had happened to "Kung Kung". They then called him and that was how he knew of his father's death.

I asked him whether it was difficult arranging for his dad's body to be brought back to Singapore. He said it was pretty tough because of the language barrier. As well, he and his brother had to endure a five-hour bumpy car ride from the airport to the step-mother's home village to collect his dad's body. When my friend first saw his dad's body, he was relieved because his dad had a peaceful look on his face. That set my friend's mind at ease.

He and his brother also had to pay bribes of S$5 to S$20 for matters ranging from asking a nurse to translate hospital documents from Bahasa Indonesia to English to ensuring that the immigration process would be smooth. By the time his dad's body was flown back to Singapore, the family had already set up the wake at the void deck of the flat.

I asked my friend if he was sad. He replied that he had been so busy with the funeral arrangements that he had no time to let everything sink in yet. I then asked if I could see his dad because I wasn't sure earlier on whether I should step forward to see his dad when I was praying. He said, sure, and the other friend and I went forward to have a look at his dad. When I looked down at his dad's face, I felt sad because I was looking at a life which was past. His dad was 81.

We walked back to the table, where we carried on talking, eating peanuts and drinking mineral water. His sister and brother-in-law were also keeping watch at another table nearer the coffin. To stretch our legs after a while, we then got up to inspect the wreaths - some were from a hospital because his brother-in-law was a doctor, one was from an actor because my friend works for MediaCorp, one was from the Japanese Buddhist association and another was from the area's RC because my friend's dad was active in community matters.

I asked my friend whether he was close to his dad, and he said that he always scolded his dad and did a lot of naughty things that his dad didn't know about. But I could tell that he loved his dad a lot because he spoke with such affection.

Our conversation was pretty much one-sided, mostly him talking. I didn't say very much because I didn't know what to say. But in my heart, I felt privileged to be one of those who were able to hear another person talk tenderly and lovingly about his father, and in so doing, open a window into his dad's life for others to see.

He said that his dad had consulted a fortune-teller early on in his life who told him that he would have two sons and live like a king. My friend wryly commented that his dad liked visiting Indonesia because whenever he went to the step-mother's village, the children would call him reverently as "Pak", thus making his dad feel like a king.

Sometime in between, he suddenly stood up and ran over to his dad's coffin. I was shocked but then I discovered why he did that. A black cat had wandered near his dad's coffin, and he wanted to chase it away. After that, he slanted his chair for a better view of his dad, explaining to us that he wanted to be sure that the cat wouldn't get near the coffin again.

We went back to talking about ourselves and updating each other on how things have been. While we were talking, I remembered that he also knew my friend, who is now living in Germany. I smsed her on the spot and told her the bad news because I knew she would have attended the wake if she were here in Singapore. I didn't tell my friend that I had smsed our friend in Germany at that time.

Ever so often during our conversation, my friend would break off and thank me again for coming. This was what made me realise that to him, my coming to pay my last respects to his dad was a big thing for him. To be honest, this was the first time that I was acutely aware of the importance of attending a wake. In the past, I always thought that attending a wake was no big deal. During the time with my friend, I realised that for the people who had lost a loved one, the presence of friends at the wake was significant. My friend was happy and thankful because I had simply turned up.


I left the wake around 3.30am. He asked me where I stayed and on learning of my address, he again thanked me for coming because his place was quite a distance from my home. He and the other friend walked with me to the side of the road, where I hailed a cab and went home. While I was in the cab, my friend in Germany smsed her reply. I forwarded her reply to my friend. He smsed back, saying that it was very thoughtful of her to send her condolences. And he again thanked me for coming.

This experience added greatly to my understanding of Romans 12:15 - Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.