On Monday, I had a one-on-one session with my counselling training supervisor to assess whether I was ready to counsel clients as a lay counsellor.
It was an enjoyable, meaningful and mind-opening session with her. Thanks, SK, I appreciate greatly the fact that you took time out for me. I want to tell you that this session is one of the defining moments in my life because of what I got out of it and what I learnt about myself. :-)
She started off by asking me for feedback on the counselling training sessions.
I said that after the training was over, I had to pray to God and check my motives. I had to examine myself - whether I was in it because I wanted to help people or I was in it because I could socialise, meet new people and have interesting training sessions that included role-plays.
When I do start counselling people, I am directly involved in other people's lives. This is not fun and games anymore; this is the real thing.
I also told her that at this stage, I was not very confident of counselling real clients. She told me that she was also of the view that I undergo further training. I was fine with it because I told her that I will not counsel clients if I was not ready.
I also told her that I was quite surprised that certain people felt very strongly about certain situations, like for example, a person would say he or she could not take a case involving abuse of children because it would arouse anger. She asked me what I felt about that. I told her that nobody was perfect and that I felt very strongly that if the world wouldn't extend grace to a person, then surely the church and the counselling ministry had to extend grace because that was the core message of the Gospel.
Somehow, inexplicably, we kind of veered into a discussion on Cantopop. I told her that I had attended a concert by Jacky Cheung and had gone to see lots of youtube videos of Cantopop stars after I returned home from the concert. I also said that when I was watching an Anita Mui concert video, I cried. (I had elaborated on this in my previous blog entry.) She told me that her favourite Cantopop star was Leslie Cheung. I told her that I missed the entire Cantopop movement. She then started telling me about some highlights of that era, and I really enjoyed her sharing.
I then told her that when I heard something or I saw something, my heart would go out to the other person immediately. I seemed to feel what the other person was feeling and so I would react emotionally. Like if I saw a young person in a coffin, I would be trying to control my tears because I would be thinking: "Sigh...he or she will never have a full life" or "His or her parents must be feeling so sad now".
When I listened to sermons, it would be the same thing: When a speaker spoke about a certain struggle in his life, I would be sniffling away because I could picture myself in his situation and feeling what he would have been feeling then.
The thing, however, was that I never ever examined within myself why I reacted in those ways. I never examined my own feelings.
She said that at the cognitive level, I was very self-aware but perhaps at the emotional level, I was lacking in self-awareness. For example, I was not aware that I was frowning so much during my role-play sessions. Also there was the transference effect --- I had to ask myself whether I was feeling what someone was feeling and reacting to the client's feelings, or I was reacting in that manner because of issues in my own life.
Self-awareness of one's emotions would be very useful in counselling people, she said.
This was a revelation to me because I had always thought that I was very self-aware. She pointed out that apart from feeling empathetic towards others, I also needed to examine my own feelings. Take the Anita Mui video, for example: Why did I cry and what did it mean to me, apart from the fact that my heart went out to Anita Mui?
She also said that I would need to be aware of why and how I react in a situation or to a person, as well as how my emotions would affect others. I remembered telling her that my friends sometimes said that I was not in tune with them. Like for example, they may want to be in the first gear during a conversation with me, but I'm in the fifth gear and racing away with my speech.
I also told her that I have this thing about people relying too much on me, and that is why I keep a distance from people once they get too close to me.
I had served two years as a cellgroup leader. During that time, I kept my cellgroup members at a careful distance because I didn't want them to depend on me, but to look to God. I also was very open about my struggles with the Christian faith because I wanted them to know that I also had issues and that my Christian walk was not all roses.
She said that she observed that I was a solutions-focused person during my role-play sessions. She said that as a counsellor, we were to help the counselee come up with his or her solutions, and we were not to jump the gun and start offering solutions to the counselee. Counsellors are there to listen first and foremost.
I told her that to me, there were three stages of personal growth and development: dependence, independence and interdependence. I admitted to her that I was finding it very difficult to make the transition from being independent to being interdependent.
I gave her an analogy. The temples of the biblical days had an outer court, an inner court and a Holy of Holies. I told her that I had a very big Holy of Holies that I did not allow people access to. It was very strange but during that time,when I said that, I was close to almost crying but I recovered my composure. Most likely, there are a lot of issues that I have yet to address and that is perhaps why I have a very big moat around my inner feelings and my emotions.
She asked me why that was and whether it is because I'm fearful of being vulnerable in front of others.
I told her that I have to think through this because it could be a lot of things including the following:
It was an enjoyable, meaningful and mind-opening session with her. Thanks, SK, I appreciate greatly the fact that you took time out for me. I want to tell you that this session is one of the defining moments in my life because of what I got out of it and what I learnt about myself. :-)
She started off by asking me for feedback on the counselling training sessions.
I said that after the training was over, I had to pray to God and check my motives. I had to examine myself - whether I was in it because I wanted to help people or I was in it because I could socialise, meet new people and have interesting training sessions that included role-plays.
When I do start counselling people, I am directly involved in other people's lives. This is not fun and games anymore; this is the real thing.
I also told her that at this stage, I was not very confident of counselling real clients. She told me that she was also of the view that I undergo further training. I was fine with it because I told her that I will not counsel clients if I was not ready.
I also told her that I was quite surprised that certain people felt very strongly about certain situations, like for example, a person would say he or she could not take a case involving abuse of children because it would arouse anger. She asked me what I felt about that. I told her that nobody was perfect and that I felt very strongly that if the world wouldn't extend grace to a person, then surely the church and the counselling ministry had to extend grace because that was the core message of the Gospel.
Somehow, inexplicably, we kind of veered into a discussion on Cantopop. I told her that I had attended a concert by Jacky Cheung and had gone to see lots of youtube videos of Cantopop stars after I returned home from the concert. I also said that when I was watching an Anita Mui concert video, I cried. (I had elaborated on this in my previous blog entry.) She told me that her favourite Cantopop star was Leslie Cheung. I told her that I missed the entire Cantopop movement. She then started telling me about some highlights of that era, and I really enjoyed her sharing.
I then told her that when I heard something or I saw something, my heart would go out to the other person immediately. I seemed to feel what the other person was feeling and so I would react emotionally. Like if I saw a young person in a coffin, I would be trying to control my tears because I would be thinking: "Sigh...he or she will never have a full life" or "His or her parents must be feeling so sad now".
When I listened to sermons, it would be the same thing: When a speaker spoke about a certain struggle in his life, I would be sniffling away because I could picture myself in his situation and feeling what he would have been feeling then.
The thing, however, was that I never ever examined within myself why I reacted in those ways. I never examined my own feelings.
She said that at the cognitive level, I was very self-aware but perhaps at the emotional level, I was lacking in self-awareness. For example, I was not aware that I was frowning so much during my role-play sessions. Also there was the transference effect --- I had to ask myself whether I was feeling what someone was feeling and reacting to the client's feelings, or I was reacting in that manner because of issues in my own life.
Self-awareness of one's emotions would be very useful in counselling people, she said.
This was a revelation to me because I had always thought that I was very self-aware. She pointed out that apart from feeling empathetic towards others, I also needed to examine my own feelings. Take the Anita Mui video, for example: Why did I cry and what did it mean to me, apart from the fact that my heart went out to Anita Mui?
She also said that I would need to be aware of why and how I react in a situation or to a person, as well as how my emotions would affect others. I remembered telling her that my friends sometimes said that I was not in tune with them. Like for example, they may want to be in the first gear during a conversation with me, but I'm in the fifth gear and racing away with my speech.
I also told her that I have this thing about people relying too much on me, and that is why I keep a distance from people once they get too close to me.
I had served two years as a cellgroup leader. During that time, I kept my cellgroup members at a careful distance because I didn't want them to depend on me, but to look to God. I also was very open about my struggles with the Christian faith because I wanted them to know that I also had issues and that my Christian walk was not all roses.
She said that she observed that I was a solutions-focused person during my role-play sessions. She said that as a counsellor, we were to help the counselee come up with his or her solutions, and we were not to jump the gun and start offering solutions to the counselee. Counsellors are there to listen first and foremost.
I told her that to me, there were three stages of personal growth and development: dependence, independence and interdependence. I admitted to her that I was finding it very difficult to make the transition from being independent to being interdependent.
I gave her an analogy. The temples of the biblical days had an outer court, an inner court and a Holy of Holies. I told her that I had a very big Holy of Holies that I did not allow people access to. It was very strange but during that time,when I said that, I was close to almost crying but I recovered my composure. Most likely, there are a lot of issues that I have yet to address and that is perhaps why I have a very big moat around my inner feelings and my emotions.
She asked me why that was and whether it is because I'm fearful of being vulnerable in front of others.
I told her that I have to think through this because it could be a lot of things including the following:
* I am fearful of rejection so I don't allow people to get too close to me.
* I don't want to disappoint people or let them down.
* I am afraid of being vulnerable.
* I don't really know how to open myself up to people. (She said I have no problems in this area because I'm very open.)
* Some other issues that are bothering me but which I am reluctant or afraid or not ready to address them or confide in people about them.
* Other things that haven't come to my mind as of now. :-P
I then asked her how I can become more self-aware of my emotions. She laughed and said that there was no secret and that I just needed to be more aware at the emotional level. To a solutions-focused person, that was the death knell. I was like "huh??!!" and she laughed.
Before I knew it, we were walking to Plaza Singapura for a quick bite. She had mee rebus and I had laksa. She asked me if I was doing anything later in the night and I said no. So she said I should go for a session being conducted by another counselling supervisor on bipolar personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. So I told her that I will attend the session because I was interested in psychology.
She left because she had to see a client at 6.30pm.
Remember the Cantopop conversation I had with her? I went to both Music Junction and Sembawang Music at Plaza Singapura to try to get music CDs and concert DVDs of Anita Mui, Eason Chan, Sammi Cheng as well as Anita Mui's only female disciple Ho Wan Si or HOCC. But the stores didn't carry these titles.
Around 7.30pm, I was back at the counselling ministry for the night session. The session ended around 10pm and I took a bus home.
I was very happy that day because someone took the time to talk to me and to tell me some things about me that I personally was not in tune with. That is, someone taking the effort to help me so that in future, I can help others.
Thanks again, SK. :-)
I then asked her how I can become more self-aware of my emotions. She laughed and said that there was no secret and that I just needed to be more aware at the emotional level. To a solutions-focused person, that was the death knell. I was like "huh??!!" and she laughed.
Before I knew it, we were walking to Plaza Singapura for a quick bite. She had mee rebus and I had laksa. She asked me if I was doing anything later in the night and I said no. So she said I should go for a session being conducted by another counselling supervisor on bipolar personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. So I told her that I will attend the session because I was interested in psychology.
She left because she had to see a client at 6.30pm.
Remember the Cantopop conversation I had with her? I went to both Music Junction and Sembawang Music at Plaza Singapura to try to get music CDs and concert DVDs of Anita Mui, Eason Chan, Sammi Cheng as well as Anita Mui's only female disciple Ho Wan Si or HOCC. But the stores didn't carry these titles.
Around 7.30pm, I was back at the counselling ministry for the night session. The session ended around 10pm and I took a bus home.
I was very happy that day because someone took the time to talk to me and to tell me some things about me that I personally was not in tune with. That is, someone taking the effort to help me so that in future, I can help others.
Thanks again, SK. :-)
2 comments:
It was good of her to listen and to engage with you. It was also humble and brave of you to look so honestly at yourself in the presence of another person. I'm v. proud of you.
Look forward to meeting up so that we can talk properly...
Well, you know me. :-) I'm open and transparent so I have no issues with raising my issues. Ha ha ha!
Yeah!!! You seem so busy. Sms me? Otherwise, we won't be able to meet up before I leave for Washington D.C. on Aug 18!!! :-P
Plainforgiven
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